I\u2019ve realized my energy leans heavily toward masculine. I mean I am a feminine creature, but I am strong and take charge. I want what I want and I feel entitled to what I want because I\u2019ve put in the work to earn it. I have always felt like I deserve the short cuts. The exclusivities and edges above others. I don\u2019t and would not want the world to be equal. This shit is hard enough. If you have the intelligence to figure out an edge or a pull that makes things a little bit more tolerable and easier to handle for you than more power to ya my friend. I\u2019ve always had to rely on myself. I\u2019ve always had to do everything myself. After Josh absolutely pummeled what was left of my soul and self confidence, I had to rebuild by myself and a toddler in tow. I made sure we were good. I raised him. Financially supplied everything for him. How could I not lean masculine? Even before that though I\u2019ve always known I had higher testosterone. The sex drive has said it all. Now it\u2019s controllable. Before, not so much. Before, it was a necessity. Now, it would be nice to just get there again and actually have it with a real human male I\u2019m attracted to, in other words, Harry. I think I\u2019ve figured out the type of men that are attracted to me. Either hyper masculine men because they sense it in me and feel poised for the challenge, or the men who wished they had more it themselves. They feel the mirrored desire. Unfortunately, those men eventually end up feeling emasculated and resenting me which is where I\u2019ve seemed to have found myself currently. I\u2019ve been trying so hard to exist in my feminine. It\u2019s so difficult. I still don\u2019t feel safe enough to be able to do so. I need to keep pushing and striving and succeeding, because I still have no one else that\u2019s going to step in and take up that space. Harry is completely concerned about his own journey. He said that\u2019s because he took a page out of my book. That\u2019s what he learned from me. Am I once again my own undoing? So many men have been hitting on me lately, it\u2019s rather annoying. They look like hungry wolves for the first time in my life. I\u2019ve never noticed it before till now. The attention I once would have killed to receive, I\u2019ve come to abhor because I want them all to so badly be Harry. All these men want my energy. Want to suck it all up and absorb it entirely into their being and own it and Harry has me and couldn\u2019t give two flying fucks about it. We would have a beautiful bonded deep physical exploratory relationship. I can feel it. I can see it in my mind. I feel safe with him. It makes me wonder if I chose him on purpose because of what I went through with Josh. Am I actually afraid of the masculine? Because I know how destructive it can become. I know what it can turn into, and I know any man can get there. But I know Harry long enough to know that he hasn\u2019t, and he won\u2019t. I\u2019ve seen small snippets of it in him, but only because I triggered him so severely to that limit of divide where he swore he\u2019d never jump to again. I know now how to not trigger him, and I am aware of my responsibility not to, so I know it would never get there. But other men, I know not what they do. I am away right now. He\u2019s alone for a week. I would wonder about his loyalty, but I don\u2019t think I should worry. And honestly if it comes to that and I find out, then I know it was me all along. All of a sudden I just became sexually repulsive to him and he could never bring himself to go there again. I wonder if I make all men go that way. Again, maybe it\u2019s the fact that they see me as a more complete masculine that they have ever been able to achieve and it creates such a deep self loathing that the only choice they are left with is to sabotage the relationship to spare themselves some form of dignity. At least that\u2019s what they tell themselves. I\u2019ve sacrificed who I am. I am holding myself back and I hate it. I am a fucking strong ass woman who wants to embrace her sexuality and erotic spirituality to the fukkest..Ha\u2026apropos typo. I have been dormant, and I crave to be unleashed again. I want to be in my feminine, I do. Mine is a feminized masculine. Can I be the way I want to be or will it take a different kind of male to bring me to the place I need to be?
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"